seeing the divine (a free write)

i am trying, a little late, to work with the current read write prompt about the divine and where it can be found (ren said it so eloquently; be sure to visit it). here’s my free write, which went absolutely nowhere. but because i’m stubborn and pig-headed, i’m going to squeeze something out of it.

but first, i’m sharing it. remember, it takes guts to do this. it’s not my first time sharing free writes but it is my first time here on the new blog. so just a reminder that this is free flow writing and it doesn’t have to be good or make any kind of sense.

here it is (although they weren’t in the free write, i added paragraph breaks so you wouldn’t go cross-eyed trying to keep up):

i am told it resides within me, as a light or a flame but i’m not so sure. i agree it’s in everyone but why am i so reluctant to recognize it within myself. passing the mirror, a naked image of myself at bedtime, too much flesh and not enough spirit. that’s my accounting at the end of every day.

i wish i could see it. catch a glimpse. or believe it. believe in things we just don’t see. fairies and miracles and guardian angels and holy ghosts. i say a lot of things i don’t mean. i mean to say lots of things but don’t. i have no idea where this free write is going and i think that’s the point. just don’t stop. this is silly. this free write is supposed to be about the divine and seeing the divine and accessing the divine.

if you believe in the divine. i don’t believe in the Big Guy Upstairs theory or in the Other Guy Down There theory. i just think there’s good and evil in the world and they get mixed up sometimes and Bad Things Happen and sometimes Good prevails. but i think seeing divinity has nothing to do with good or evil.

seeing divinity has to do with recognizing an imperceptible, no you can’t recognize something impercepetible, stupid, it has to do with recognizing a sacred place inside ourselves in which we are open to goodness and from which we can find strength and guidance. i like the sounds of us being the one and the many. how we both have the spirit and we are the spirit. the collective spirit. it is us. i really don’t know.

buddhism seduces me but i wonder if i have the mental capacity to understanding the path i should choose. it’s clear and it’s not clear.

yin. yang. there it is again. it’s so much a part of my life and it’s almost a burden to see it around me all the time. i hate being reminded that the light is part of the dark and the dark is part of the light because sometimes i just want to be in the darkness and not have to look for the friggin’ silver lining. and sometimes i’d just like to be in the light without worrying that it’s going to go away. i know i’m missing it, just off the mark, both exist at once, not one and then the other, not subsequently but simultaneously.

divinity is tricky. it should really be more accessible. more basic. like a big toe. i shall make an announcement to the world and make it easier and more simple for everyone: divinity is in your big toe; your big toe is divinity. and we’ll do big toe washing ceremonies and we’ll argue about the advisability of creating footwear that covers the big toe or footwear that shows it proudly. we’ll divide into sects, fashion sects. and we’ll forget about the Big Question which is, what about people without big toes? where is there divinity? and so once we accept that that is the question, we’ll have to start all over again looking for the divinity inside us.

i’m forever starting again and again. that seems like such a negative thing. it implies unfinished work, abandoned projects, failed attempts. but maybe divinity is in the ability to begin again, a regeneration of hope and energy. but what does it look like? what does it feel like?

and why is doubting such an important part of all religion? this search for divinity is showing all of my scholarly failings. these questions have already been asked and i just have not been paying attention. dear god if i haven’t got time for my own divinity is there really any purpose to all of this running around i do?

i’m thinking now about running around with the kids. then of babies and motherhood and certainly people without children are just as divine as mothers but was being pregnant and giving birth a spiritual experience? and how does a mother fail to live up to her divinity? that’s a different question than how does a mother fail to live up to her community’s standards for Good Mother.

i get anxious a lot. so much that i can’t see. my vision blurs and my throat throbs and i get dry mouth and i feel like there’s a big emergency. could tapping into my divinity calm me down? must i rely on the wine and the medicine? these are questions that i can see are not The Important Questions but they are the ones that dominate my view of myself in the world. what could i look at instead? divinity. in me. back to the original problem: must find it.

i bet dale had a great response to this prompt. i’m going to go read it as soon as i finish with this free write because i’m not getting anywhere. maybe i could respond to something he says.

but first i seem to want to tell the story of someone i call “my guru”. i was complaining about some stuff to him and he said, “yeah, you and about a billion other people.” it sticks with me that my struggle is not unique (although it feels unique and personal) and that it’s not The End of The World. it is a distraction. it is a sideline. it is a diversion. from divinity. it is a test. i’m failing miserable.

i am suckered in for sure. for sure i’m suckered in. and i’m addicted to the cycle it creates: start a fire, put out a fire, start a fire, put out a fire, start a fire. but not that fire. not the flame, not the light. that is something else.

author’s note: ah! panic! dale did not write a piece (yet) for this prompt. as i am so often delighted to find there there is a wonderful discussion about the practicality of buddhism in every day life and use of a term i just love “hero buddhism,” but sadly, dale did not issue any clues about the source of my own powers (or my powerlessness, my surrender). looks like i will have to put on my big girl panties and do this for myself. (pout.)